The night a taxi driver stole my kettle

During 2011 I was a big fan of groupon deals. I’d scan the emails while in work and think to myself, maybe I should do a hot stone massage course in Glasnevin while it’s at 70% off. I never did the hot stone massage course but one day I actually bought a groupon. It was for comedy, food and drinks for two on a Friday night.

Now the food turned out to be a small portion of chicken wings. My partner Shane was not happy about the situation. As we sat across from each other downstairs in Bad Ass Cafe in Temple Bar the tension was building, you could have cut it with a knife but the waitress had forgotten to set our table. He’s not fussy but if he’s promised food he wants food. If food is not presented he will hate you until it appears.

It was all a bit of a rush then to go upstairs because the comedy show was starting. There was a few acts on the bill, none of which I knew. I haven ‘t started comedy at the time. I remember that Kevin Goldsmith was MC and he completely shot down a heckler, it was magical and I have yet to seen the like since. Accident and Emergency were on and they had a very funny joke about biscuits and something about a taxi. And Andrew Gilmore who was very dark and funny. OK, so not exactly giving Chortle a run for their money there with my review. But in fairness I wasn’t reviewing, I was ever so quietly getting hammered on wine. Laughing away in the dark looking like I was grand but  discreetly downing white wine at an ever increasing rate.

I wasn’t aware how drunk I was until Myself and Shane were outside chatting to Andrew smoking and I notice that I appeared to be three conversations behind

Shane: The problem with Fine Gael…

Andrew: You’re right

Shane: You’re sound

Andrew: No you are

Emma: Did the dog know he was wearing the hat12644688_528862947286617_7506077649701714990_n

I’m paraphrasing a bit but you did the gist. I was clearly the third wheel on my own date somehow. Then I told Andrew I’d always thought about doing stand up. To which he replied ‘ Yeah a lot of people say that’. I haven’t done a gig yet but that was the same feeling as dying on stage I learnt 2 years later.

Being  a certified aul wan that I am once the air had hit me I was gone. We went to the Worksman and I was told I was too drunk. To which I replied

Emma:- Hsows dare you- I havenit even been drinkin!!

So long story short we called it a night there and then. Off in a taxi we went. The taxi ride home however seemed to be having the same effect on me as the air had previously. I felt I needed a little puke and I kindly asked the taxi driver to pull over (come on it’s happened all of us!). A small splash got on the door, I’m talking CSI zoom in size splash. I admitted to it and told the taxi driver I’d clean it when we got to my house.

As I went in, I got all my cleaning gear on and boiled the kettle for hot water. Shane told me I was now demented and he was off to bed. I went out and cleaned my little heart out giving it a bar or two of ‘It’s a hard knock life’ just to lighten the mood. I had to then get a different cloth to dry the car door (this ain’t my first time at the rodeo) But when I came back out the taxi driver had driven off with my kettle in toe.

Moral of the story- don’t get so drunk that you find yourself going kettle shopping the next day at 10am in Tesco. And, and yeah groupons were bad.

 

 

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